I hold grudges.
There. I admit it. I hold them long and hard and if I had my way, I avoid the person or give them the silent treatment for a really long time…and I pretend they don’t exist anymore.
My mother-in-law called me a name once, a long, long, long time ago. I’m thinking she just didn’t like anyone marrying her son. She’s fine now (I think) but I haven’t forgotten, nor do I think I ever will.
Someone called me a hypocrite once, this one quite recently. I haven’t forgotten, nor do I think I ever will.
While meditating today, these two grudges came to the fore. Out of nowhere, these thoughts just popped into my head and stayed on just like an unwelcome visitor.
I had been taught that when feeling strong emotions, I shouldn’t turn away from it and instead be curious about it, try to feel any bodily sensations, and try not to control your thoughts but be open to it.
Well, it didn’t go well. I cut my mediation practice short as I was developing a migraine and my whole body had tensed up that I didn’t know what muscle to focus on relaxing first.
What I wanted was to go on a really long run to get away from all the negativity in my head.
Run away. Run far far away.
What I did realize after my meditation practice is that I am not willing to let go of these grudges. I’ve been told that I should really forgive, let go and move on. How does one do that? Do I take them out to Starbucks and buy them a latte and say “all good”?
Does remembering being thrown under the bus count as “not letting go”?
I don’t want revenge or anything…I’m thinking karma will do its job.
But in the meantime, better to stay away. Stay far, far away.
So, I think I will hold on to my grudges for a little while longer, thank you.
…and I think I’m okay with that.
At least I am mindful about it.
Have a good weekend, everyone!