Today…

I woke up angry today.  Mental forecast–stormy and threat of thunderstorms….

Not sure why exactly.  Just angry.

Angry at how cold I felt even though I was under the blanket all night; angry because it was already morning and I still felt exhausted; angry at not being able to go to work like the rest of the world; angry because I did not know what I was going to do today.

I felt lost. Lost.

I did not know what I was supposed to do to help myself.  Even after a week, I was still struggling to find some peace or at least some eureka moment that would propel me to feeling better.

This past week has been a roller coaster ride for me.  I meant what I said about not losing hope.  From my mindfulness journey, I know I will get better….I painted, I visited my best friend, I gardened, I meditated…but somehow it does not feel enough.  Not this time.

I wanted to lash out.  I have always considered myself to be a “good girl”.  I read all the instruction manuals before I put things together, I always tried to follow the speed limits or at least the speed of traffic, I always returned the carts when I go shopping, I am always polite, I watch what I eat, I exercise, etc….

So, today, I rebelled.  I did not meditate.  I ate a jumbo size Snickers bar for breakfast, bowls of chips for lunch, had 2 glasses of wine  at dinner instead of my usual one glass, I sat in front of the TV and watched Netflix episodes of “Lost”.

I knew I was not in a good place. I knew I was sulking. My family knew I was not in a good mood.  However, I could not help but feel sorry for myself.  I have not felt like this in a long time and I did not know how to cope.  I just want to crawl into a cave and never see the light of day.

It’s past midnight and I am off to bed again.   As I settle in for another night, I have a stomach ache, a headache, and worst of all, heart ache.  Being angry and feeling helpless takes a toll, physically and emotionally.

However, I realize that today was not such a total waste.  I realize that I don’t want to spend another day like today–angry, helpless and feeling like a disappointment. Definitely not me.

So, tomorrow is another day.  Tomorrow, I will go back to my usual routine…meditate, exercise, eat right, be mindful, be patient, etc…Perhaps, tomorrow, I will feel better.

Let’s hope that the forecast is sunny and optimistic…..

Debbie.

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4 thoughts on “Today…

  1. lamagabella

    There is calm before and after the storm. Storms are times to dive into ourselves searching for own love and acceptance. We all are unique individuals with many gifts to give including those of our own imperfections. Love and accept thyself and in doing so love and accept others. You will emerge stronger, wiser and with a renewed love for who you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Someone who found lasting rest

    One night I dreamed a dream.
    As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
    Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
    For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
    One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

    After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
    I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
    I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
    especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
    there was only one set of footprints.

    This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
    “Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
    You’d walk with me all the way.
    But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
    there was only one set of footprints.
    I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

    He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
    Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
    When you saw only one set of footprints,
    It was then that I carried you.”

    – by Mary Stevenson

    Like

  3. Dear friend ..It happens to all of us..We get angry without any reason, we feel low while every other thing is up around us, we feel hopeless while hope is just a mile away..But the best part is there is a tomorrow and a tomorrow after tomorrow. I wish your tomorrow brings to u a bag full of happiness and positive vibes..hope to cross each other again and again..

    Liked by 1 person

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