I woke up angry today. Mental forecast–stormy and threat of thunderstorms….
Not sure why exactly. Just angry.
Angry at how cold I felt even though I was under the blanket all night; angry because it was already morning and I still felt exhausted; angry at not being able to go to work like the rest of the world; angry because I did not know what I was going to do today.
I felt lost. Lost.
I did not know what I was supposed to do to help myself. Even after a week, I was still struggling to find some peace or at least some eureka moment that would propel me to feeling better.
This past week has been a roller coaster ride for me. I meant what I said about not losing hope. From my mindfulness journey, I know I will get better….I painted, I visited my best friend, I gardened, I meditated…but somehow it does not feel enough. Not this time.
I wanted to lash out. I have always considered myself to be a “good girl”. I read all the instruction manuals before I put things together, I always tried to follow the speed limits or at least the speed of traffic, I always returned the carts when I go shopping, I am always polite, I watch what I eat, I exercise, etc….
So, today, I rebelled. I did not meditate. I ate a jumbo size Snickers bar for breakfast, bowls of chips for lunch, had 2 glasses of wine at dinner instead of my usual one glass, I sat in front of the TV and watched Netflix episodes of “Lost”.
I knew I was not in a good place. I knew I was sulking. My family knew I was not in a good mood. However, I could not help but feel sorry for myself. I have not felt like this in a long time and I did not know how to cope. I just want to crawl into a cave and never see the light of day.
It’s past midnight and I am off to bed again. As I settle in for another night, I have a stomach ache, a headache, and worst of all, heart ache. Being angry and feeling helpless takes a toll, physically and emotionally.
However, I realize that today was not such a total waste. I realize that I don’t want to spend another day like today–angry, helpless and feeling like a disappointment. Definitely not me.
So, tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow, I will go back to my usual routine…meditate, exercise, eat right, be mindful, be patient, etc…Perhaps, tomorrow, I will feel better.
Let’s hope that the forecast is sunny and optimistic…..